This day was a strange day. I was sitting down for lunch during day 2 of OH&S course in Victoria, BC. I was chatting with one of the nurses I had sat with the day prior. I mentioned something about a Gracie and why I don’t visit the island more often. We started chatting about that a little bit and I mentioned the Victoria General and how I wished never to return there as it is part of the trauma with losing Gracie.
Another nurse arrived at our table with her own lunch (it was a beautiful day in Victoria and there was a patio outside our meeting room). Her name is Julia and I had not spoken with her prior to this. She mentioned that she works in the NICU (neonatal icu) and the PICU (pediatric icu). My heart kinda went number for a second and I remember a lump in my throat as I asked her “what hospital?”. Her response made my skin tingle and my heart drop. I literally can feel this as I write this down here.
We talked about the doctors (who at this particular moment I could not speak their names as I’d noted weeks earlier that I’ve left them behind). As this trip to Victoria was coming closer. I thought more and more about Gracie and being nervous about coming to this city. When she said “Raphy”, I responded with Dr. Raphy (Beck) and Dr. Jeff (B**********). I told her that they were amazing doctors and I knew they tried to help Gracie survive the H1N1 but I had been angry with one of them because of the comment made on the day following Gracie’s intubation “you daughter has a significant chance” of not making it. But these doctors are professional, smart, and I know they did everything they could.
I told her that I would love them to know that I am now a nurse and I took this journey in Gracie’s memory and I found something positive from the trauma of her death that I have endured for so long. That I wanted to care for people and families in the same way that my family and Gracie was treated as she was fighting for her life.
She told me “I work with Dr Jeff” and that “Dr Raphy is now in the clinic because his passion is pulmonary and is usually working until 3”. Somewhere in this conversation lead to the craziest of ideas when I eventually said, “I’d like to see them and I would love to tell them myself”.
There was tears, there was hugs, there was passing of Kleenex. I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation about my girl and that place and the doctors that took care of her.
She said to me “I’m going to make some calls”. I continued trying to eat my lunch which did not work well. I chatted with the other nurse who was I initially was chatting with.
Julia came back and told me that Dr Raphy was not working at the moment. She said she was going to make another call.
She came back and told me that she called up to the PICU and spoke with nurse(s) who knew/remembered Gracie. My heart thumped and I felt butterflies in my stomach. This was becoming surreal. I am at a nursing meeting and here I am chatting with people close to my world. I haven’t only returned to the island maybe 3 times now since so left in 2012.
She asked me if I would like to have a conversation with the nurse. I felt like I did but I was nervous about that. I don’t remember our nurses names but I remember them by face and the little things they did for Gracie like reading her favourite story, braiding her hair, and the little sponge baths as she lay asleep in her healing coma.
We came up with the idea to go the PICU instead even though I was scared to do this. I had not been there in at least 12 years. I would love to be able to share with them my nursing journey. It was arranged. I would go there for shift change.
After our course was done for the day, I went back to my room. I changed my clothes and I took a shower. I went for a walk down at the Victoria Cruise Ship Terminal. There was not one, but THREE giant mega ships all parked in the docks. I just walked and walked and walked down the pier at Ogden Point.
On my way back, I ran in to a couple who asked me if I wanted my photo taken in front of the ships. They explained that they were Christian people who had a set up for people to come to which was located beside the ships. I told them that I was reflecting on my Gracie and that I was on the way to the hospital to meet someone. I told them I would probably be back as I wanted to watch the ships set sail after dark.
I will continue this story in the next blog post.
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