Gracie's Illness - The Beginning

Gracie was 3 years and 4 months old when she died on November 16, 2009. 

October 7th, 2009 (Gracie's last professional portrait session)

She woke up with a fever in the early hours of October 22nd; the previous day was spent at preschool (no one was ill there) and she spent that night with her dad.  She was returned to me in the morning on October 23rd.  I took her the walk-in clinic at our family doctor's office and they told me to give her pedialyte to help her from becoming dehydrated.  I called up the nurses on the pediatric floor of our hospital, because they were very famililar with Gracie and the fevers/dehydration when she was ill.  They told me to give her 30ml of pedialyte every 30 minutes, and that was the minimum amount to give to keep her from dehydration.  I did this every 30 minutes with a syringe; Gracie did not take anything very well orally because of aversions that she had.  I hated doing it but it needed to be done to help my little girl.  Later in the day, I drove to Duncan (45 minutes away) to try to let her have a sleep; she would not sleep at home and was quite unhappy and not herself.  She did fall asleep, and we were able to pick up her portraits that we had done about 3 weeks earlier.  She would not take any of her PediaSure at all, so she wasn't getting any nutrition.  She had no energy at all and just wanted to cuddle. 
On the Saturday, Gracie seemed to be still ill but I thought that it was looking better.  She had a bit more energy and was back to cruising the furniture and being more of herself again.  She even drank about 6oz of her PediaSure; I really thought she was on the mend.  By the evening, she was losing her energy and becoming ill again.  She fell asleep on the living room floor at 7pm and I carried her off to bed.  However, Jasmine woke up at 10pm and woke up Gracie.  I tried everything but could not get her to fall back asleep.  She just lay with me moaning and groaning.  After everyone else went to bed, I made a bed of blankets and pillows on the living room floor and planned for Gracie and I just to remain in the living room for the night.  I tried sleeping on the couch while she layed down beside me.
She slept off and on, 20 minutes each time at most.  For most of the night, she rolled around back and forth moaning and groaning.  I tried to lay down with her and cuddle her to sleep, but she just couldn't settle at all.  I put on the tv quietly for her, tried music stations, and other "quiet" channels; I even put on "In The Night Garden" at 2:30am because was her favorite show.  Nothing made a difference; Gracie just moaned and groaned.  I was still continuing to syringe the Pedialyte in to her, and giving her ibuprophen/acedeminiphine throughout the night.
I think around 5:30am, she drifted off for a little while maybe for about 2.5 hours.  Our home woke up though, and because we were sleeping in the living room we were awaken.  John thought that I should take her up to the hospital and have her checked out, but I was pretty sure that her illness was no different than any prior.  I really wanted to just combat the fever with the advil and tylenol and keep giving her the fluids and avoid the hospital stay.  Gracie did not like nurses or doctors, or anyone for that matter, coming near her and poking and proding.  I didn't like to see Gracie upset, all I wanted was to make her feel better and avoid upsetting her further.
It was probably about noon by the time that John got me to agree to go.  I got Gracie ready, and took her back to the walk-in clinic.  I knew that most of the doctors at the clinic knew Gracie and the issues that she got with fevers, and that we would just get a direct-admit to the hospital instead of having to sit in emergency half the day and half the night.  We did get the direct admit and Gracie was put back on to the pediatric floor at NRGH.  The date was Sunday, October 25th.

Day 2

So here, I am.  I have not forgotten about my new blog.

Today my husband, along with child, and I are taking the ferry over to Squamish for my niece's 2nd birthday.  I am looking forward to going because it has been a while, however it is feeling strange that Gracie is not going to be along with us; my dad feels the same way that I do.  The cousins were only 1.5 years apart, and I was really looking forward to them growing up together as my boy, Alex, did not have cousins to grow up with and he is coming on 13 years old in a few months.
My husband's daughter is only 3 months older than Riley, so it should be fun for them getting to know eachother as they will grow up as cousins.  I think my sister is planning to have a bouncy castle and there will be a few other kids for them to play with.
Maybe a break from the island will be good.  I am going to be stopping by Grace Halvorsen's home for a visit on Sunday, before the party.  She is who Gracie was partially named for.  I am dropping off a package of photos, specifically the last ones taken before Gracie's death.

First Blog

So I tried writing about my little girl in a journal but I just dont find the time where I can concentrate on it, and I find typing so much easier than writing - so maybe blogging is the better way for me to go.
I need a place where I can just write and get out with the thoughts.  I have a little book that I keep where I can write about her, and the little girl that she was and will always be remembered as being.  I am going to use my blog for my thoughts about the whole situation. 
Losing a child is the worst nightmare for any parent.  I think back to May 2009, when a mother of a child from my daughter's daycare lost her one of her children, a 6 week old girl.  I remember feeling sad and heartbroken when I was given a note asking us parents to try to attend the funeral for the little girl.  Her mother was only 19 years old and already living every parent's worst nightmare.  I attended the funeral and sitting there in that atmosphere, I was thankful that my two children were at home alive and healthy; I could not and did not want to imagine what that mother was going through.
Fast forward to the end of October 2009.  My own precious daughter on life-support fighting for her life in a pediatric ICU where she was airlifted to from our local hospital.  She remained on life-support for three weeks before her little body gave up and let go; she was granted her wings and began her journey to heaven on November 16, 2009.  Now it is I, day after day, trying to smile through the storm - trying to make sense of it all - trying to carry on, while bringing with me the special memories of my precious child.